I remember nothing.

Back on the internet with ramblings that long for an outlet

2008-08-21T21:12:07Z

its been a few years. reading my old posts with a mixture of curiousity and disgust. considering starting over with a new blog, i am not half of the person represented in these. or am i? maybe some years will pass and i'll actually beleive that high school was not a misguided search for laughter and forgetting. i hope so.

who are you now ?

2007-05-22T05:19:10Z

who are you all out there now, the ghostly shadows of opinions hang like flies around the sweetness of agony present in my room day and night and sometimes i should certainly swear to feel and see the most stupendous things , really, things to teach and to comfort and things to nurture.... but we all take from our environment viable and qualitative stimuli but i have none such.

i have dreams, hot sweats/daydreams, emails, wishing, hoping, clinging, resentment, shedding of suffering, adhering to the 4 noble truths, following the 8 fold path to nirvana

maktub.

that strange weight in the chest area diagnosis:

2006-11-15T12:55:46Z

well it feels like its weighing me down to the ground but upon further investigation it seems to be making me lighter than air, giving the strong desire to blow away with the wind. like a free radical to soar and sink above it all, but then one remembers one's own humanity and falls like a rock to the ground, sinking beneath in the earth's motherly embrace. for we are all made of a faulty material, one cannot go on living life as callous or uncaring, there are some things from which there is no running away, and these cause emotions that grip you like a vice. then you sit down with your 7th drink and ponder it all, it is only from this perspective, within your brain's struggling efforts to keep your heart beating and motor senses running, it is then that it all makes sense, you file it away in your cabinet and are at peace. and you fly away into the beautiful dark sky of dreams and forgetting.

morning brings the fall back: to earth, to cycles upon cycles of repeated history, to the faulty material of the brain, to old and new obsessions, to an empty heart.

Burchak, Nazdar bithchess

2006-09-15T18:12:08Z

Hello from the Empire of lights, the vision of renaisance europe. hello from paradise and from hell. the emotions flow like the gallons of wine down the gullet and nothing makes sense but the beat and raised voices screaming their exlamatory gestures, wonderement fills the room, the air is thick and for once one may ponder something pure.

pure is nothing,

and black matter does not exist.

Ode to the city that is capital of my world

2006-08-31T05:02:00Z

Dissaffected blank faces seemingly staring at you as you pass them by with your rebeliously stoned expression. Some dude in a suit talking loudly on his cellphone. A woman with fake hair in a baby phat jumpsuit. Bunches of beautiful blonde rich schoolchildren frolicking in the Central Park playground on the east side next to the MFA. A desolate bum rotting away under the overpass of a highway somewhere in Queens. A guy named George from Staten Island sells some 15-yr old kids 10 doses of Dancing Dragon LSD. A 90yr old Korean lady with bundles of orange plastic bags slowly descending the steps of the Canal St. stop. A bunch of yuppies in cowboy boots and shaggy hair swagger down Bedford Ave. A squatter is passed out on the grass in Tompkins. A lady with the longest eye lashes and the fakest tan walks down 5th ave with her tiny pomeranian. A boy with an afro and big headphones is seen on Delancey street. The doorman named Henry opens the door of some fancy apartments midtown. The streetkids in Strawberry feilds are smoking joints and drinking beer. Cassandra is smiling wide as she flies high on the swings in East River Park. Nygil, the rastafarian elevator man at Brooklyn Technical High School presses floor number 9. Dana Beal rubs his chin and makes a phonecall. The paint canister drummer on the L line does a sick roll and then a rapid breakbeat. A silver haired yoga teacher sips on a yerba mate in park slope. A bunch of racoons are scuttling about. I'm on the China Bus heading over the Williamsburgh bridge admiring the complex complement that the manhattan skyline (in all its "ive got my back to the sun" glory) has between the various hues of sunset: orange, pink, blue, aqua, purple...

I ♥ you NY.

in these times

2006-08-24T04:24:10Z

I find myself once again writing here, for there has been much going on but I have not had the urge to express it electronically. I am in NY, at home. I recently moved from Boston where I finished off a rockin' summer and lay alot of good friendships in wait for my return, from EUROPE! I am going to Prague next friday, Sept 1st, to study abroad for 4 months. I am taking some of the most amazing classes, from a European history course taught by a Holocaust survivor & WII vet, to this alternative literature class titled "From Kafka to Kundera". Kundera is part of my inspiration to make this trip. He is amazing, his essence speaks to me more than anything I have ever read. Nay, I feel his words rather than read them, feel for the concepts intuitively and understand their cosmic importance.
Anyways. I'm also taking a course on European subcultures/countercultures. I think (know) I'm quitting Business school. I'm too idealistic and too independent for corporate culture. I am seeking out an alternate course of study, some ideas have ranged from international affairs to journalism to law school. My personal goal to figure this out is by May '07.

So, PRAGUE! The city of a thousand spires! Bohemia! Plsen! Being able to buy a fucking beer!!!!!!! Life is one heck of a thing.

to tell you the truth ladies and gentlemen i am (in part) scared out of my wits that my life has begun moving THIS fast, so i gotta catch up, cuz before i know it.....

"Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still." -- Lou Erickso

ramobingh

2006-07-26T04:32:05Z

feel drunk and exhuadstee, days fro m a epiphany on th infi=vividal time anf cafeing abou outself. I lovd youtoo,okeaseo ==d i the girht thing anndjulur'ernoy

disrespect[ed]

2006-04-03T12:29:40Z

i had the loneliest weekened. i couldnt have imagined it would have turned out so but did and im fucking suprised at how much of a loser i am underneath it all. you know, staring at the phone waiting for it to ring, hoping each precious moment of weekend time isnt lost after all while at the same time realizing an incredibly uncomfortable feeling deep in the chest.

no more.

let this journal be a vehicle for wandring emotions

2006-03-30T05:06:55Z

fuck this is my journal right? well i feel goddamn awful. not only did i recently end a year long beautiful relationship but i manage to loose lots of friends ive made along the way and i feel so lonely and stupid for feeling bad for myself because i am strong and fucking cant stand it when people write stuff like this in public online journals but at the same time cant help myself not one tiny bit because a million attentive ears couldnt help me right now i feel so uncomfortable i know i cant take it like the rest of the world but dont want to so spoiled you little girl you want it all for yourself dont you?

i want to be the girl with the most cake.

thank you very much a good night

2006-03-28T01:16:56Z

vvvvvviiiiiibbbbbbbrrrrrrraaaaattttttiiiiiooooonnnnnnnsssss

good ones.

awesome weekend, used every tiny moment in its own way to its fullest potential. spectacular.
did very many good things saw some lovely people. and i havent been on here in a while due to lack of things to really say. im happy. and crazy.

Chaos is inherent in all compounded things. Strive on with diligence.
-Buddha

brand new second hand

2006-03-18T20:36:30Z

you're only acting like you are somebody but i don't love to say you're not nobody don't exhaust your painted face, girl 'cause underneath that face you justhavedisgrace and you're just a brand new second hand you'll make no one fool you're just a brand new second hand i only confess you dirty golden rule what you've got, girl that i don't know why you really really got to exalt yourself so mama used to tell me a long time ago, girl it's not everything you own that glitters is gold. So you're just a brand new second hand no man no want you now you bettergo back round so girl don't you show us brand newsecond hand if you think it's the dress you wear that makes you a lady get that out of your mind you must be crazy

truly

2006-03-01T16:15:22Z

im running late for work, scrambling to get dressed and get ready, my minutes are running low, my stress is running high, i AM high, running around with my head turning in every direction, my mind thikning fast, i still stop, think for a moment, realize all i have to do is turn on My Moning Jacket because they are incredible and i am taking this time to tell the world that even though i am running late but this band just says to be "today is going to be a amazing day"

$$$$

marijuanawanashana

2006-02-16T03:52:08Z

there is music in the air. beautiful shows being played. too bad i missed saturday and sunday but friday is worth feeling lucky about. phil lesh's "i still love ny tour" fuck it i am so there.

otherwish valentines day was pleasant, mmm. except i got a bit sick from the dinnerlast night and had to miss work today, not like i missed working an 11hr day anyway.

so how are all you party people in the place to be? once again i feel so out of touch with my friends but i realized i loved alot less of my friends than i thought so perhaps i am on top of it, eh?
on top of a landslide, riding a mechanical bull. slowly going the distance, battling abrasive forces on the southwestern front. making the big time, spending the long nights engaged with my vices, married to the wind, but rooted at the ground. my aching mind strains to express itself through this electronical confession room.

peace
the jubjub bird

on recent resurfacings of wonderful ideas

2006-01-06T22:10:37Z

now this is exciting. this moment, you know like a manic high? but real. i am going to bohemia!

the czech republic becons to me in the fall of 2006 with its baroqueness and its Milan Kundera and its small little tiny streets and huge tall churches and cheap restaurants and a sociopolitical history that screams revolution and change. i mean theyre famous for overthrowing their leaders so often out of windows!
yup, im gonna study abroad, get back in touch with my eastern european roots and learn Czech. visit austria, hungary, germany, the netherlands, italy, france, ((dont get me started my co-op is at the worlds largest learning/travel agency so im obsessed with europe now))

one must live like a nomad.

over and out.

fuck the year in review (revised)

2006-01-01T16:08:55Z

ive become something that i am disgusted by and must take matters into my own hands to ensure my sanity.
new years was terrible but i am just gonna pretend its still 2005 and im still lying to myself.

if this fucking journal was any justifiable means of communication, which it isnt, i would consider taking it seriously. god i wanna jam my foot so far up that it comes out in china. dont bother reading your computer is lying to you. julie arkadevna buchik has turned herself into an old woman, a hag, a little housewife with no life. but i try to fight it every now and then, to no avail. my bosom bears the weight of both my ego and his. and as im fulfilling his responcibilities oh fuck it

~~ill finish later.~~

its later, im angry but not as much so. how would you like it if your favorite holiday in the year was taken away from you? what the fuck indeed. when i came back to my house from Ithaca yesterday i saw a multitude of liquor bottles and streamers and funny hats in the garbage and i realized my family partied waaaaay harder than myself. imagine that sheer godawful feeling, does it start the year out right??? whoever unlucky enough to still be reading this entry would probably take me for a nag, someone who wants pity...sad people want pity, angry people want retribution. and if you reason that one little night is no reason to be so disappointed, imagine this: (by fault of yourself,someone else the most exciting day of the year was turned into a monotonous and socially degrading goose chase, drinking jim beam and coke out of a plastic water bottle while sitting in a parked car watching promo ads on a tv on display in the store window of Rent-A-Center in a little upstate town, pissing on the side of the highway in the snow, going to a party about 10 minutes before midnight where they were all strangers, there were no champagne glasses, and the countdown involved a laptop and some random dude knocking into me, an unfinished game of backgammon, i went to sleep drunk and crying at 1:30am only to wake up at 6:00am sober and crying because it all came back to me.

now you may want to call me a snob-nosed socialite, an unpleasable bitch, or an ungrateful moron, or even say that its probably all my fault, which it is partly. you may want to say get over it, whats the big deal, and why are you making all this into such a hard time. i frankly dont know, but if you know me well you would see that i am not an argumentative or angry person. and neither am i a sock puppet. why ive allowed myself to become these things is what i yearn to figure out and how i can get back is what i must know.

my cup of tea

2005-12-23T18:49:03Z

I've been home for vacation for the past week. Sick as a dog. Bored like the caged parakeet in the kitchen. Lonely like a fisherman of Maine. Listless like a timbleweed. ehhhhhhhhhh.

thank god my boyfriend calls me everyday and there is tea and tylenol.

but alas i shall make the journey out to the city tomorrow to celebrate my best friends belated birthday.

and then off to grandma's house we go...

wouldnt it make you feel better?

2005-12-12T22:39:49Z

want a kiss on the cheek to make you feel better??

obviously not.

whatever wtf am i doing. take care.

to counteract the so steady level of boredom coming out of this blog

2005-12-03T17:32:44Z

ive pretty much used this livejournal like a little peice of scrap paper filled with random thoughts of varying intensity and content.
im not sure why this thing still lives.

i am such a different person than i was, looking back about a year. and i couldnt possibly put it into words for you, it would take me a day to write a word. it would take me a year to explain. the next few paragraphs are not about the timid or unknown:
progressivity.
the waves keep on crashing, their bluish green surf attacking the shore and always slowly receding to the watery depths. the waxes and wanes of life, the patterns i used to think were going to show me the secret. i have learned nothings ever going to "show itself" to you, you must seek out the truth and purpose with your own eyes, unclouded by the past, the present, the people that have marked you with their personality or their life, and most importantly the way you are used to thinking.
romantica
the saying "too much of a good thing" makes me uneasy and confused. is there too much ??? of course and absolutely not. alot of it makes one happy, too much makes them sick. well what about not wanting to stop, not having to, constantly reinforced by the aspects of your lover's ever receptive personality, only to be pushed away by his childish and withdrawn doubts and compulsions? I feel like a peice of driftwood that has been engulfed by sea, a sea that sands me down, makes me dull but beautiful and soft to the touch, under complete control of the wave's whims i careen to and fro between confusion, anger, apathy and love, belonging, identity. and when we make love i feel that maddeningly wonderful whirlpool i cannot escape and do i want to?

"all i know is i'm hopeless
unless i am ripping for you
cause the life that you give me is wholesome
every day
i want to,

renew."

edieandandy @ 2005-12-01T15:40:00

2005-12-01T20:51:12Z

Today I get to see in concert one of the only living members of the grateful dead that I still love.
Phil and Friends is gonna be nasty. I dont care what hes gonna play tonight. As long as its the good old boy. KEEP ON TRUCKIN!

I dont think you can feel how excited I am.

numeric entry

2005-10-06T21:14:08Z

i turned 19 this monday (the 3rd). 10 beloved friends coming to boston from ny. 100 dollars worth of party favors. 20-30 school buddies. 2 1/2 days. 34957860394856 brain cells. 9032847509342875690348769 laughs. gonna cut footloose.

happy 19th to me, i cincerely hope and feel that this stage in my life will be marked by an increasing wisdom, supression of the evil and triumph over any obstacles and most of all keep on truckin'

Peace and Love,

-Julie

edieandandy @ 2005-09-28T10:15:00

2005-09-28T14:21:47Z

bacardi 151, dark corridors, where is my mind wandering? early in the morning sour stomach, sour taste, bathrooms always busy, hey buddy have a smoke? financial management in 15 minutes, brain death in 10. and whats the deal with her anyway? flip a coin, heads go to class, tails smoke pot and lie down. gottta find a coin. gotta stay. dont let those nightmares take over. goddamnit put your clothes on you degenerate and walk across the street to hear a mediocre professor finding shit funny that isnt.
i miss you care-free morning.

(_____)

2005-08-31T21:05:59Z

its my last day at home.
i am carefully packing and arranging my things.

i take a much appreciated bubbler bowl hit out the window so as not to be too conspicuous.

the warm wind blows it into my face and back into my room.
now my room stinks. and my mom is next door.

my last day at home indeed, before i go to college, where can do basically anything i please but im already pushing the envelope...
hahahah im sorry if im the only one that finds this funny or relevant.

im gonna miss nyc but not as much. ive realized over my travels that it is not the end of the earth and certianly not "healthy" to cling to. you never truly see the world if you are unable to open your mind. the wisest people in the world realize over the years not all the answers but more and more questions. Clinging to this beautiful but cruel metropolis, proclaiming it as the best city in the world is answering a question that is not being asked. In order to ask the question properly you must embark on a journey, see other places, meet other people, but it will not work if your eyes remain closed. I secretly pity the vast amount of intelligent friends and acquaintances of mine who chose to stay here, attending the same 5 schools as generations of Tech kids have gone to. But that is my raw and unpolished opinion, and opinions are constantly changing much like the environments of hunter gatherers at the dawn of time. to them constant change was a way of life. they would usurp the land and when it became barren....change was at a high tide.

i send my love to you all as i ride the wave,

-julie

waterfalls falling gracefully, birds flying high above

2005-08-07T16:49:14Z

Hello my dears, especially Cass or Adam if you are reading. I will be returning from Ithaca on Wednesday night the 17th of August. I will be home for 2 1/2 weeks before going back to Boston. Between a weeklong vacation in Montauk and then another week to pack and get ready for school I would want nothing more in this world than to see my friends. I have missed you all terribly, and will make an effort to get out no matter what. Rescuing myself from the drones and clones of the city was the best thing I did this summer. Life have never been so.... real.

Anyways mad love,

-Jules

on the road to what, dont know... my brains the burger and my hearts the charcoal

2005-06-20T22:41:28Z

hello!! i am in ithaca, yes. i have led myself here in a desperate attempt to escape the shallowness and difficulty of the city. it really figgin got to me, folks. job hunting, resume lies, sales positions, interviews, people in suits bying my soul like a used toaster off ebay. forgive my morals and values, fuckfaces, but i cant just sell myself to your firm so i can sell your stupid peice of shit merchandise on commission. salty tears, wet, everyday i cried. everyday i looked and tried and smiled and traveled by bike, bus, train, railroad. i got burned on several occasions. i tried soo hard and in the end i wasnt seeing shit amount. there are too many people and not enough jobs. too many fake businesses trying to get you to sell knives. too many unfortunate circumstances surrounding my location.

so what you gotta do is take a deep breath, pack some clothes, borrow some money get on a greyhound bus to the smallest hippie town you know and hightail it out of hell.

spend some quality time with my baby, make it easy.

you can walk anywhere here. everybody is chill. yeah so what the shower doesent work and i dont know anyone.
hopefully a job will surface, it is much easier to find jobs here.
then comes a cheap subletted studio apartment.

and only then will come the real true beautiful summer with its rays of sunshine and its gleeful embrace.

its raining in my head

2005-05-25T15:04:28Z

its raining out side pouring down,
on my helpless little life here in this bane existence,
jobless and companionless i linger idly within its confines.

cursed to loaf about when every body's in motion,
straining to learn or earn or live,
i fucking hate it when people write shit in poem form.

what grand plans do i have for myself now? to wake up every morning from a dream/nightmare at around 10am, lay about, turn on the computer, look in the mirror to find streaked makeup squalid hair, listen to either mars volta or about 4 other things i like in my music collection anymore, check my email, find no single trace of any engaging news, check of any signs of life on my buddy list, smoke a fat bowl in my bubbler, sign on to livejournal and ramble on

its quite comic.

and comfortless.