| Back on the internet with ramblings that long for an outlet |
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| 05:12pm 21/08/2008 |
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its been a few years. reading my old posts with a mixture of curiousity and disgust. considering starting over with a new blog, i am not half of the person represented in these. or am i? maybe some years will pass and i'll actually beleive that high school was not a misguided search for laughter and forgetting. i hope so. |
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| who are you now ? |
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| 01:14am 22/05/2007 |
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mood:  indescribable
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who are you all out there now, the ghostly shadows of opinions hang like flies around the sweetness of agony present in my room day and night and sometimes i should certainly swear to feel and see the most stupendous things , really, things to teach and to comfort and things to nurture.... but we all take from our environment viable and qualitative stimuli but i have none such.
i have dreams, hot sweats/daydreams, emails, wishing, hoping, clinging, resentment, shedding of suffering, adhering to the 4 noble truths, following the 8 fold path to nirvana
maktub. |
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| that strange weight in the chest area diagnosis: |
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| 07:55am 15/11/2006 |
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mood:  gloomy
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well it feels like its weighing me down to the ground but upon further investigation it seems to be making me lighter than air, giving the strong desire to blow away with the wind. like a free radical to soar and sink above it all, but then one remembers one's own humanity and falls like a rock to the ground, sinking beneath in the earth's motherly embrace. for we are all made of a faulty material, one cannot go on living life as callous or uncaring, there are some things from which there is no running away, and these cause emotions that grip you like a vice. then you sit down with your 7th drink and ponder it all, it is only from this perspective, within your brain's struggling efforts to keep your heart beating and motor senses running, it is then that it all makes sense, you file it away in your cabinet and are at peace. and you fly away into the beautiful dark sky of dreams and forgetting.
morning brings the fall back: to earth, to cycles upon cycles of repeated history, to the faulty material of the brain, to old and new obsessions, to an empty heart. |
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| Burchak, Nazdar bithchess |
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| 01:09pm 15/09/2006 |
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Hello from the Empire of lights, the vision of renaisance europe. hello from paradise and from hell. the emotions flow like the gallons of wine down the gullet and nothing makes sense but the beat and raised voices screaming their exlamatory gestures, wonderement fills the room, the air is thick and for once one may ponder something pure.
pure is nothing,
and black matter does not exist. |
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| Ode to the city that is capital of my world |
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| 12:35am 31/08/2006 |
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mood:  weird
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Dissaffected blank faces seemingly staring at you as you pass them by with your rebeliously stoned expression. Some dude in a suit talking loudly on his cellphone. A woman with fake hair in a baby phat jumpsuit. Bunches of beautiful blonde rich schoolchildren frolicking in the Central Park playground on the east side next to the MFA. A desolate bum rotting away under the overpass of a highway somewhere in Queens. A guy named George from Staten Island sells some 15-yr old kids 10 doses of Dancing Dragon LSD. A 90yr old Korean lady with bundles of orange plastic bags slowly descending the steps of the Canal St. stop. A bunch of yuppies in cowboy boots and shaggy hair swagger down Bedford Ave. A squatter is passed out on the grass in Tompkins. A lady with the longest eye lashes and the fakest tan walks down 5th ave with her tiny pomeranian. A boy with an afro and big headphones is seen on Delancey street. The doorman named Henry opens the door of some fancy apartments midtown. The streetkids in Strawberry feilds are smoking joints and drinking beer. Cassandra is smiling wide as she flies high on the swings in East River Park. Nygil, the rastafarian elevator man at Brooklyn Technical High School presses floor number 9. Dana Beal rubs his chin and makes a phonecall. The paint canister drummer on the L line does a sick roll and then a rapid breakbeat. A silver haired yoga teacher sips on a yerba mate in park slope. A bunch of racoons are scuttling about. I'm on the China Bus heading over the Williamsburgh bridge admiring the complex complement that the manhattan skyline (in all its "ive got my back to the sun" glory) has between the various hues of sunset: orange, pink, blue, aqua, purple...
I ♥ you NY. |
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| in these times |
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| 12:09am 24/08/2006 |
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mood:  sleepy
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I find myself once again writing here, for there has been much going on but I have not had the urge to express it electronically. I am in NY, at home. I recently moved from Boston where I finished off a rockin' summer and lay alot of good friendships in wait for my return, from EUROPE! I am going to Prague next friday, Sept 1st, to study abroad for 4 months. I am taking some of the most amazing classes, from a European history course taught by a Holocaust survivor & WII vet, to this alternative literature class titled "From Kafka to Kundera". Kundera is part of my inspiration to make this trip. He is amazing, his essence speaks to me more than anything I have ever read. Nay, I feel his words rather than read them, feel for the concepts intuitively and understand their cosmic importance.
Anyways. I'm also taking a course on European subcultures/countercultures. I think (know) I'm quitting Business school. I'm too idealistic and too independent for corporate culture. I am seeking out an alternate course of study, some ideas have ranged from international affairs to journalism to law school. My personal goal to figure this out is by May '07.
So, PRAGUE! The city of a thousand spires! Bohemia! Plsen! Being able to buy a fucking beer!!!!!!! Life is one heck of a thing.
to tell you the truth ladies and gentlemen i am (in part) scared out of my wits that my life has begun moving THIS fast, so i gotta catch up, cuz before i know it.....
"Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still." -- Lou Erickso |
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| ramobingh |
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| 12:28am 26/07/2006 |
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mood: indescribable
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feel drunk and exhuadstee, days fro m a epiphany on th infi=vividal time anf cafeing abou outself. I lovd youtoo,okeaseo ==d i the girht thing anndjulur'ernoy |
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| disrespect[ed] |
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| 08:24am 03/04/2006 |
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mood:  awake
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i had the loneliest weekened. i couldnt have imagined it would have turned out so but did and im fucking suprised at how much of a loser i am underneath it all. you know, staring at the phone waiting for it to ring, hoping each precious moment of weekend time isnt lost after all while at the same time realizing an incredibly uncomfortable feeling deep in the chest.
no more. |
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| let this journal be a vehicle for wandring emotions |
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| 12:02am 30/03/2006 |
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mood: uncomfortable
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fuck this is my journal right? well i feel goddamn awful. not only did i recently end a year long beautiful relationship but i manage to loose lots of friends ive made along the way and i feel so lonely and stupid for feeling bad for myself because i am strong and fucking cant stand it when people write stuff like this in public online journals but at the same time cant help myself not one tiny bit because a million attentive ears couldnt help me right now i feel so uncomfortable i know i cant take it like the rest of the world but dont want to so spoiled you little girl you want it all for yourself dont you?
i want to be the girl with the most cake. |
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| thank you very much a good night |
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| 08:06pm 27/03/2006 |
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mood:  content music: ananda shankar
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vvvvvviiiiiibbbbbbbrrrrrrraaaaattttttiiiiiooooonnnnnnnsssss
good ones.
awesome weekend, used every tiny moment in its own way to its fullest potential. spectacular.
did very many good things saw some lovely people. and i havent been on here in a while due to lack of things to really say. im happy. and crazy.
Chaos is inherent in all compounded things. Strive on with diligence.
-Buddha |
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| brand new second hand |
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| 03:34pm 18/03/2006 |
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mood:  cynical music: Bob Marley
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you're only acting like you are somebody
but i don't love to say
you're not nobody
don't exhaust your painted face, girl 'cause underneath that face you justhavedisgrace and you're just a brand new second hand you'll make no one fool
you're just a brand new second hand
i only confess you dirty golden rule what you've got, girl that i don't know why you really really got to exalt yourself so
mama used to tell me a long time ago, girl it's not everything you own that glitters is gold.
So you're just a brand new second hand
no man no want you now
you bettergo back round so girl
don't you show us
brand newsecond hand
if you think it's the dress you wear
that makes you a lady
get that out of your mind
you must be crazy |
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| truly |
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| 11:11am 01/03/2006 |
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mood:  crazy music: My Morning Jacket
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im running late for work, scrambling to get dressed and get ready, my minutes are running low, my stress is running high, i AM high, running around with my head turning in every direction, my mind thikning fast, i still stop, think for a moment, realize all i have to do is turn on My Moning Jacket because they are incredible and i am taking this time to tell the world that even though i am running late but this band just says to be "today is going to be a amazing day"
$$$$ |
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| marijuanawanashana |
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| 10:42pm 15/02/2006 |
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mood: mellow music: ticking, typing sounds, humming of the radiator
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there is music in the air. beautiful shows being played. too bad i missed saturday and sunday but friday is worth feeling lucky about. phil lesh's "i still love ny tour" fuck it i am so there.
otherwish valentines day was pleasant, mmm. except i got a bit sick from the dinnerlast night and had to miss work today, not like i missed working an 11hr day anyway.
so how are all you party people in the place to be? once again i feel so out of touch with my friends but i realized i loved alot less of my friends than i thought so perhaps i am on top of it, eh?
on top of a landslide, riding a mechanical bull. slowly going the distance, battling abrasive forces on the southwestern front. making the big time, spending the long nights engaged with my vices, married to the wind, but rooted at the ground. my aching mind strains to express itself through this electronical confession room.
peace
the jubjub bird |
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| on recent resurfacings of wonderful ideas |
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| 05:04pm 06/01/2006 |
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mood: crazy
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now this is exciting. this moment, you know like a manic high? but real. i am going to bohemia!
the czech republic becons to me in the fall of 2006 with its baroqueness and its Milan Kundera and its small little tiny streets and huge tall churches and cheap restaurants and a sociopolitical history that screams revolution and change. i mean theyre famous for overthrowing their leaders so often out of windows!
yup, im gonna study abroad, get back in touch with my eastern european roots and learn Czech. visit austria, hungary, germany, the netherlands, italy, france, ((dont get me started my co-op is at the worlds largest learning/travel agency so im obsessed with europe now))
one must live like a nomad.
over and out. |
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| fuck the year in review (revised) |
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| 11:03am 03/01/2006 |
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mood:  disappointed
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ive become something that i am disgusted by and must take matters into my own hands to ensure my sanity.
new years was terrible but i am just gonna pretend its still 2005 and im still lying to myself.
if this fucking journal was any justifiable means of communication, which it isnt, i would consider taking it seriously. god i wanna jam my foot so far up that it comes out in china. dont bother reading your computer is lying to you. julie arkadevna buchik has turned herself into an old woman, a hag, a little housewife with no life. but i try to fight it every now and then, to no avail. my bosom bears the weight of both my ego and his. and as im fulfilling his responcibilities oh fuck it
ill finish later.
its later, im angry but not as much so. how would you like it if your favorite holiday in the year was taken away from you? what the fuck indeed. when i came back to my house from Ithaca yesterday i saw a multitude of liquor bottles and streamers and funny hats in the garbage and i realized my family partied waaaaay harder than myself. imagine that sheer godawful feeling, does it start the year out right??? whoever unlucky enough to still be reading this entry would probably take me for a nag, someone who wants pity...sad people want pity, angry people want retribution. and if you reason that one little night is no reason to be so disappointed, imagine this: (by fault of yourself,someone else the most exciting day of the year was turned into a monotonous and socially degrading goose chase, drinking jim beam and coke out of a plastic water bottle while sitting in a parked car watching promo ads on a tv on display in the store window of Rent-A-Center in a little upstate town, pissing on the side of the highway in the snow, going to a party about 10 minutes before midnight where they were all strangers, there were no champagne glasses, and the countdown involved a laptop and some random dude knocking into me, an unfinished game of backgammon, i went to sleep drunk and crying at 1:30am only to wake up at 6:00am sober and crying because it all came back to me.
now you may want to call me a snob-nosed socialite, an unpleasable bitch, or an ungrateful moron, or even say that its probably all my fault, which it is partly. you may want to say get over it, whats the big deal, and why are you making all this into such a hard time. i frankly dont know, but if you know me well you would see that i am not an argumentative or angry person. and neither am i a sock puppet. why ive allowed myself to become these things is what i yearn to figure out and how i can get back is what i must know. |
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| my cup of tea |
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| 01:43pm 23/12/2005 |
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mood:  sick music: 31 Knots
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I've been home for vacation for the past week. Sick as a dog. Bored like the caged parakeet in the kitchen. Lonely like a fisherman of Maine. Listless like a timbleweed. ehhhhhhhhhh.
thank god my boyfriend calls me everyday and there is tea and tylenol.
but alas i shall make the journey out to the city tomorrow to celebrate my best friends belated birthday.
and then off to grandma's house we go... |
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| to counteract the so steady level of boredom coming out of this blog |
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| 12:09pm 03/12/2005 |
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mood:  cold music: Q and Not U and 31 Knots
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ive pretty much used this livejournal like a little peice of scrap paper filled with random thoughts of varying intensity and content.
im not sure why this thing still lives.
i am such a different person than i was, looking back about a year. and i couldnt possibly put it into words for you, it would take me a day to write a word. it would take me a year to explain. the next few paragraphs are not about the timid or unknown:
progressivity.
the waves keep on crashing, their bluish green surf attacking the shore and always slowly receding to the watery depths. the waxes and wanes of life, the patterns i used to think were going to show me the secret. i have learned nothings ever going to "show itself" to you, you must seek out the truth and purpose with your own eyes, unclouded by the past, the present, the people that have marked you with their personality or their life, and most importantly the way you are used to thinking.
romantica
the saying "too much of a good thing" makes me uneasy and confused. is there too much ??? of course and absolutely not. alot of it makes one happy, too much makes them sick. well what about not wanting to stop, not having to, constantly reinforced by the aspects of your lover's ever receptive personality, only to be pushed away by his childish and withdrawn doubts and compulsions? I feel like a peice of driftwood that has been engulfed by sea, a sea that sands me down, makes me dull but beautiful and soft to the touch, under complete control of the wave's whims i careen to and fro between confusion, anger, apathy and love, belonging, identity. and when we make love i feel that maddeningly wonderful whirlpool i cannot escape and do i want to?
"all i know is i'm hopeless
unless i am ripping for you
cause the life that you give me is wholesome
every day
i want to,
renew." |
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| 03:40pm 01/12/2005 |
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mood:  excited music: Shakedown Street
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Today I get to see in concert one of the only living members of the grateful dead that I still love.
Phil and Friends is gonna be nasty. I dont care what hes gonna play tonight. As long as its the good old boy. KEEP ON TRUCKIN!
I dont think you can feel how excited I am.
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| numeric entry |
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| 05:06pm 06/10/2005 |
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mood: mellow music: yeah im listening to dave matthews who the fuck gives a shit
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i turned 19 this monday (the 3rd). 10 beloved friends coming to boston from ny. 100 dollars worth of party favors. 20-30 school buddies. 2 1/2 days. 34957860394856 brain cells. 9032847509342875690348769 laughs. gonna cut footloose.
happy 19th to me, i cincerely hope and feel that this stage in my life will be marked by an increasing wisdom, supression of the evil and triumph over any obstacles and most of all keep on truckin'
Peace and Love,
-Julie |
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| 10:15am 28/09/2005 |
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mood:  hungover music: Franklins Tower
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bacardi 151, dark corridors, where is my mind wandering? early in the morning sour stomach, sour taste, bathrooms always busy, hey buddy have a smoke? financial management in 15 minutes, brain death in 10. and whats the deal with her anyway? flip a coin, heads go to class, tails smoke pot and lie down. gottta find a coin. gotta stay. dont let those nightmares take over. goddamnit put your clothes on you degenerate and walk across the street to hear a mediocre professor finding shit funny that isnt.
i miss you care-free morning. |
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| (_____) |
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| 05:05pm 31/08/2005 |
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mood: pensive
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its my last day at home.
i am carefully packing and arranging my things.
i take a much appreciated bubbler bowl hit out the window so as not to be too conspicuous.
the warm wind blows it into my face and back into my room.
now my room stinks. and my mom is next door.
my last day at home indeed, before i go to college, where can do basically anything i please but im already pushing the envelope...
hahahah im sorry if im the only one that finds this funny or relevant.
im gonna miss nyc but not as much. ive realized over my travels that it is not the end of the earth and certianly not "healthy" to cling to. you never truly see the world if you are unable to open your mind. the wisest people in the world realize over the years not all the answers but more and more questions. Clinging to this beautiful but cruel metropolis, proclaiming it as the best city in the world is answering a question that is not being asked. In order to ask the question properly you must embark on a journey, see other places, meet other people, but it will not work if your eyes remain closed. I secretly pity the vast amount of intelligent friends and acquaintances of mine who chose to stay here, attending the same 5 schools as generations of Tech kids have gone to. But that is my raw and unpolished opinion, and opinions are constantly changing much like the environments of hunter gatherers at the dawn of time. to them constant change was a way of life. they would usurp the land and when it became barren....change was at a high tide.
i send my love to you all as i ride the wave,
-julie |
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| waterfalls falling gracefully, birds flying high above |
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| 12:44pm 07/08/2005 |
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mood: bouncy
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Hello my dears, especially Cass or Adam if you are reading. I will be returning from Ithaca on Wednesday night the 17th of August. I will be home for 2 1/2 weeks before going back to Boston. Between a weeklong vacation in Montauk and then another week to pack and get ready for school I would want nothing more in this world than to see my friends. I have missed you all terribly, and will make an effort to get out no matter what. Rescuing myself from the drones and clones of the city was the best thing I did this summer. Life have never been so.... real.
Anyways mad love,
-Jules |
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| on the road to what, dont know... my brains the burger and my hearts the charcoal |
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| 06:36pm 20/06/2005 |
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mood: content
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hello!! i am in ithaca, yes. i have led myself here in a desperate attempt to escape the shallowness and difficulty of the city. it really figgin got to me, folks. job hunting, resume lies, sales positions, interviews, people in suits bying my soul like a used toaster off ebay. forgive my morals and values, fuckfaces, but i cant just sell myself to your firm so i can sell your stupid peice of shit merchandise on commission. salty tears, wet, everyday i cried. everyday i looked and tried and smiled and traveled by bike, bus, train, railroad. i got burned on several occasions. i tried soo hard and in the end i wasnt seeing shit amount. there are too many people and not enough jobs. too many fake businesses trying to get you to sell knives. too many unfortunate circumstances surrounding my location.
so what you gotta do is take a deep breath, pack some clothes, borrow some money get on a greyhound bus to the smallest hippie town you know and hightail it out of hell.
spend some quality time with my baby, make it easy.
you can walk anywhere here. everybody is chill. yeah so what the shower doesent work and i dont know anyone.
hopefully a job will surface, it is much easier to find jobs here.
then comes a cheap subletted studio apartment.
and only then will come the real true beautiful summer with its rays of sunshine and its gleeful embrace. |
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| its raining in my head |
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| 10:47am 25/05/2005 |
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mood: indescribable music: Mars Volta - Roulette Dares
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its raining out side pouring down,
on my helpless little life here in this bane existence,
jobless and companionless i linger idly within its confines.
cursed to loaf about when every body's in motion,
straining to learn or earn or live,
i fucking hate it when people write shit in poem form.
what grand plans do i have for myself now? to wake up every morning from a dream/nightmare at around 10am, lay about, turn on the computer, look in the mirror to find streaked makeup squalid hair, listen to either mars volta or about 4 other things i like in my music collection anymore, check my email, find no single trace of any engaging news, check of any signs of life on my buddy list, smoke a fat bowl in my bubbler, sign on to livejournal and ramble on
its quite comic.
and comfortless. |
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| mundane |
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| 10:08pm 23/05/2005 |
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mood: horny music: Yes- Siberian Khartu
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oh my the Yes album "Closer to the Edge" is perhaps the most magnificent manifestation of british prog rock that ever was. and the last episode of 24 was mad good. im pretty drunk. tomorrow i have an interview on wall street.
i might dare to say i have the sexiest most respectable man to call my own. were going camping this weekend. note to sky: DONT RAIN!!
and ummm:
somebody? who the hell knows how to fix my CD player? ill do anything...
( me and mushy ) |
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| naturally |
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| 12:01pm 18/05/2005 |
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mood:  ecstatic music: Faraquet - Study in Complacency
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 | You scored as Alphabet City. Alphabet City lies to the east of First Ave., south of 14th St., and north of Houston St. Alphabet city is a bohemian paradise filled with artists and poets. It helps if you know some spanish. There are not many subways out there. But, it's fine if you ride a bike.
If you lived here you could buy most of your clothes at thrift shops. You might want to go to this famous poetry cafe and art gallery. Don't forget to go out clubbing every night. The best nightlife in the city is found here.
Thanks for taking my test! -Susan
Alphabet City | | 89% | China Town | | 72% | SoHo/ TriBeCa | | 67% | Inwood | | 67% | Upper West Side/ Morningside Heights | | 56% | Chelsea | | 50% | Washington Heights | | 44% | Harlem | | 44% | Stuyvesant Town | | 39% | Financial District/Battery Park | | 39% | Kips Bay | | 33% | El Barrio | | 33% | Upper East Side | | 28% | Hell’s Kitchen/ Theatre District | | 28% | </td>
Which neighborhood in Manhattan is best for you?
created with QuizFarm.com |
p.s. i finally fixed my godforsaken internet and wireless networks, it took two days and 6 times walking up or down on stairs carrying my hard drive. thank you powers that be. also thanks to my future roommate jessica for this quiz. YEAH! |
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| 11:07am 03/05/2005 |
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mood:  satisfied music: White Octave
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This morning a guy with silver hair and four diplomas on his wall told me that i needed to go to rehab before he could help me.
because i enjoy beer and marijuana.
and was honest about everything i had done in my life.
sometimes its best not to think in words.
the man knows me not. it just makes me angry because it took me so long to dispel that druggie mentality. to get that 3.9 GPA. to be on good terms with my family and myself. im just quite shaken up from this past year....
Dr. this is for you:
P.S. I found a marijuana legalization community from all of the regions of post-USSR on livejournal(haha MOTHERLAND) and its awesome that the MMMarch has 187 cities signed up this year. From every major city in Eastern and Western Europe to South America to Asia to the Middle East to Canada to almost every state in the USA. Spread the good word, the Million Marijuana March is on May 7th, this Saturday. It starts on houston and broadway at 1pm. We will march through downtown manhattan culminating in a rally in Battery Park. In the name of medicinal marijuana, marijuana legalization, personal liberties, ibogaine education, melatonin and MUCH MUCH MORE. Come out in the beautiful weather and celebrate your freedom of assembly and your favorite plant!!
Peace. |
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| these days |
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| 05:24pm 28/04/2005 |
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mood:  contemplative
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your humble narrator finds herself sitting in her lonely 2nd floor room looking out the window at beautiful trees swinging in the breeze and cherry blossoms flying like little kites. harvesting little desire to be outside is only a side effect of this loooooooooooooooooong island. who wants to bike when no matter how far you go the scenery never changes or excites? who wants to take a random walk when there is no body, no company. inner peace is a thing i do not find in solitary self alone time. but thats from whence it should come, from inside... i suppose im having a really hard time dealing with my brain these days anyway...
my baby lives too fucking far from here...
all music is starting to sound, all food is starting to taste, everything is, STALE
out in valley stream, ny (long island), alone, uninspired and apparently this is gonna be the best of the summer. minus amsterdamn in august. (its gonna happen for you skeptics)
ive got things to look forward to but not to look at.
that is life, eh? |
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| for life is beginning to acheive a sort of mellow equilibrium |
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| 02:49am 16/03/2005 |
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mood:  happy music: The White Octave
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i live free.
back at my dorm room.
im fine with things that used to scare me.
and everythings finally.... ok
just to contrast that derpressing entry trend ive developed
im happy.
can't sleep tho
coming home for summer vacation (4months)...
gonna get a serious job, attempt to actually live in long island
somebody please tell me how the mars volta sold out their roseland shows in 6 hours last friday and im still sitting here planning to buy a ticket?
ladies and gentlemen, the consequences of awesome bands going big.
i will have montreal spring break pictures SOON!!!
the first two people to comment here with anything regarding awesome live music will win a postcard from montreal.
peace and love,
julie |
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| 11:32am 17/02/2005 |
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mood:  drained
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in a couple of hours i am going to step onto a large bus that will take me home.
i need only to feel for myself again. to do some thinking and to eliminate all regret. also to catch up on my work... oh god ive been so stressed lately. my personal life has been flooded like a creek gushing out of a broken dam.
away from the influences of this confusing world and into the comforts of stability, trust and love. a fridge full of food and a new pipe full of greens.
when im in college its different. various forces competing for my smiles and tears...not to mention the guilt of tactlessness. if youre reading this, i want you to know that i am not a fucking monster, just somebody who follows their heart. and ill never really forget how amazing it was but it "was" and not "is".
i never want to be 18 again. |
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| a red so deep |
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| 06:32pm 12/02/2005 |
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mood:  cranky music: Cursive
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buried underneath heaps of blankets...plaid, leopard print...warm, soft pillows..lies a scared little girl
her guilt ushers her into a personal hell, buried in her little catacomb, a textile womb. common sense has fled her.
she cries and feels like a sinking ship.
in a big bed made of love lies steal sleep.
im doing better tho.
happy valentines day. |
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| the time i felt like i was the only person in the world this fucked up |
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| 08:13pm 27/01/2005 |
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mood: indescribable
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im not going to describe the horror, sorrow and incredible emotional and physical pain of the past 10 days (Jan 17th to today). its too fucking personal and livejournal will never be the place for it.
im just gonna ramble on about things that the world will fail to understand...
i am a fucking terrible judge of character. i am a naive sheep bleeting my personal life to any one who can listen. you dont even have to be my friend for me to turn to you for emotional comfort. emotional comfort, hovewer, is a luxury i cannot afford anymore.
"Nobody likes hurting other people, nobody within my "college family" at least." I thought like this for a long time. but my "college family" does not exist, much like my real family. silent judgements, words and notions are exchanged between them but nobody stands up and just says it like it is, never to my face. instead, clandestine rumors are passed around like a joint. and everybodys high except I.
so many people have been wounded by my actions and the blood is pouring down the walls. like an eggshell the situation has cracked. and i had the nerve to think it was more stable, more safe, more....real.
and the pain just keeps on coming. like the snow that wont end. my fucking sanity is buried under a foot of snow and its dying of exposure. exposure to you all. even if you dont know what the fuck im talking about.
everything i touch just turns to shit. it stinks from the rotten core of my existence.
i just want it to end. please god, please....
several brash decisions and:
1. I have broken somebody's heart. our relationship is on the brink of destruction.
2. My health is a complete mystery to me, still. i ache with it, it eats at me.
3. Those "apparently" closest to me now beleive that i am dirty and malicious, a poor excuse for a human being, unable to handle my own problems so i share them with those who have nothing but kindness towards me.
4. My schoolwork is turning into a giant tumor, growing by the day, threatening to burst all over the place.
5. I dont know what im doing anymore.
My mother told me all my life not to trust anyone. Not to get too involved and watch out for yourself.
Now my mother's foolish daughter has very little left to make her smile.
and alot to make her want to die. |
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| cold winter abandoned sanity |
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| 08:08pm 17/01/2005 |
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mood:  discontent
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got a bad phonecall this morning just as i woke up. last night was the 3 month anniversary of my love. this morning was the 2 month anniversary of my hate. my hate is to unknowingly spread pain through irresponcibility, lack of tact and just plain fucking emotional disorder. right now the love overweighs the hate.
but i felt and feel guilty. needed blood to chastize.
this weekend wasnt all so dark. in fact it was beautiful. adam and lindy came up from brooklyn to accompany me in raging out in south boston. good quality time spent with great friends.
and taylor you are my sunshine.
fuck these gray skies. |
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| useless motions of my hand |
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| 12:26am 10/01/2005 |
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mood: uncomfortable music: Pi Soundtrack
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theres nothing to say to the blank face staring back at you, invisibly occupied with external forces. nothing to do to but to comfort, only to take the thoughts away for a splitsecond or two. what an odd feeling empathy, or is it?
go to sleep goodnight. |
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| 10:57pm 06/01/2005 |
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mood: satisfied music: Robert Randolph
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okay, so I'm hating my unspeakably evil 8oclock classes but Im gonna pull it off. Been workin' and shit trying to generate some energy for the day.
I gotta tell you its nice to be home.
HOME.
not a suburbian nightmare deathhouse lockdown. i dont wanna live in Long Island during the summer, im gonna go nuts like Jack Nicholson. I wanna stay in Boston and work and spend time in good company. Ohm.
Dont worry my digital camera is coming in a couple of days youll have some visual sensations then...
Love,
Julie |
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| 07:57pm 13/12/2004 |
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mood:  giggly music: DNB what else
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So? What in the world would compel starving, orphan, newspaper selling teen boys to break out in song every 10 minutes?
Same reason we all get drunk on weekdays.
for lack of things to do.
My finals have been going pretty smoothly. Im trying to weed out the evils of adderall within me and brave it the old fashioned way, with big breaks.
Business is good. ♥ going strong. Aside from the few and far in between, nothing too shady in my life.
Im coming home this thursday my lovelies!!!
Ill be here until Jan 2nd. Can't wait to see my all star crews: sheepshead, LES, and wherever you are, were gonna rage it.
Can't wait to ride my bike.
Well thats all for now special shout outs to cassandra, adam and jenichka. |
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| granny's old cough medicine |
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| 05:06pm 03/12/2004 |
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mood: sick
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in between the violent coughs that now haunt me every 2 minutes i have taken the time to write about them.
wishing my sickness would just retire and move to the old and beaten sicknesses nursing home. so i could possibly smoke a cigarette oh how i long for one.
and finals week awaits...
but im allright, you know. because ive got a real heart to hold on to. |
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| restlessness and helplessness |
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| 12:03pm 01/12/2004 |
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mood: childish, scared music: rain
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last night and this morning, id have to say, have been really bad. too much caffeine too much nerves too much things to think about. i didnt know how easily i get driven to tears lately. it scares me im a happy person with a lot to smile about. the semesters winding down. these next two weeks will be filled with pressure and then release. i could be doing a million other things right now than whining about my easy life but if only you would come to me and make it allright... i would function. |
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| soaked in tears, beers and fears. |
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| 10:46pm 21/11/2004 |
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mood: cold music: Miles Davis - All Blues
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You know, it took me a good 15 minutes trying to remember my weekend so I can describe it for you here, faithful readers. Strange couple of days, man.
Wednesday I was distraught because of bad news. However, this is not the place to be descriptive. All I know is that somebody did much potential wrong to a member of my "college" family and as such, I was outraged to no end. There is no excuse for being a dirty turncoat, no matter how hard those incredibly imposing campus police officers press you. Civility doesent work with morons, so don't ask me to be nice to you.
What is really still bothering me from that night has nothing to do with the rat. It has to do with my irresponcible tendencies, and even more with how they are impacting somebody I love. And how much I wish that what I've convinced myself isn't true and everything will be the same as it was. The unknown is torment, but the known might be oblivion. I dont know.
drank a 100proof drink to forget that i dont know.
but how can you forget something like that?
Thursday night went to see this marvelous reggae band, John Brown's Body. Drank and danced was delighted. Went to a party full of olders, realized age means little in the 20s. Fun night didn't know where the hell my money went.
Friday I had awesome breakfast in bed watching "Eternal Sunshine". Made me think of cass, my savior on this earth. Came home more content than I have ever remembered coming home. Had the world on a string...drank a 40, overdosed on hummus, nearly passed out until a phone call to westland, where a very drunk pineapple man took me in his arms to sleep.
That night I had the most horrible dream. Reminded me of someone from the past. Reminded me of wanting to die for that person. Reminded me how fucking terrible it is to be thrown around like youre not human. I thought the past has past if you live in the present, but you don't in your dreams. Subconsciousness you made me cry.
I had a weird day after that. That dream brought back certain things I havent felt since I came here. Like the weight of an empty wallet, the need to lose control and the unexplainable dread of tomorrow. Drank Captain Morgan and watched "The Cable Guy" with a new friend at the YMCA. After that the night seemed to last days. I should have passed on it but the only way saturday was gonna end involved doing a keg stand, puking in the sink and getting thrown out of the party.
Woke up this morning to find myself lost again.
Im coming to new york on tuesday. Its going to be more of a family vacation, but ill find time for you if you find time for me.
For a long entry this said very little. |
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| cosmic charlie, how do you do? |
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| 12:19pm 09/11/2004 |
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mood: content music: Grateful Dead at Harpur College
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I feel like,
This/next year is going to be different.
To be more specific, I hope that for once this year will be fruitful, emotionally.
I want to reap what I sow. November & December have been, for years, a period of reproach and nostalgia. I feel like I don't need to think about all the things I am lacking because what I have now was just a dream to me once.
((A warm ♥ for the cold wind))
For those of you who aren't quite sure what im talking about just imagine what it feels like to have parted ways with peace of mind and sanity around november 10th every year for 4 years.
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| "Madness is not enlightenment, but the search for enlightenment is often mistaken for madness" |
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| 11:44pm 07/11/2004 |
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mood: sleepy
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All is lost. Frodo failed. Bush has The Ring.
thats why i dont like to watch movies with good endings. makes us beleive in nonsense like honor, truth and freedom.
i didnt know that sheer stupidity is the majority in this country.
in other news,
a certain four letter word has been lodged in the back of my throat. nudged outward with every drink and caress. silent i shall stay until the perfect time. ive been having the urges to cook and do dishes and wear skirts.
and i feel very lucky to be alive. |
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| im his girlfriend. |
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| 08:50pm 28/10/2004 |
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mood: thankful music: The Doors- Love me two times
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the real thing folks.
college is great. |
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| wake up |
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| 09:12am 25/10/2004 |
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mood:  exanimate music: A Perfect Circle- The Package
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this morning i woke up with a bad case of realizing that taking chances is only valuable when the output is favorable. i need to grow the fuck up. and this nasty feeling needs to go away. people need to live up to themselves. i need to stop setting myself up. fuck dude, i wish i could run away from it. but that never works. what works is being honest with yourself and communicating like a responcible person. so easy to fall back into the lap of childishness.
grrrrrrrrrr im not happy right now. |
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| stinky rotten beer guts |
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| 02:36am 21/10/2004 |
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mood: discontent
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today made me lose faith in televised sports and power hour
at least in this city
but now its time for midterms, everybodys favorite.
im not sure i can explain what i feel right now livejournal is a poor substitute for something tangible.
im going to maine this weekend to sleep in and hang out in the woods |
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| i suppose life is only a part of the realization of self, while dying just cuts our time short |
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| 04:18am 18/10/2004 |
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mood: loved
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Several things have come to light and others still lay in the dark, like abandoned crossword puzzles and unfinished lego sets, never ever to be made sense of.
I feel like I am in a much better place now that ive been through a very rude and painful reinforcement of negativity from a certain individual who i thought i knew but never really did. i just hope that one day they regret the hostility with which they threw me away and realize that nobody in this entire world will ever be so dumb as to love them like i did.
But this is old news.
I love being back here in school. Makes me feel like I have a purpose. That and I can always run away into my own little world which, very recently, has once again expanded to fit two. People are kind here. Bud is kind here. There is nothing like an industrial size can of Chef Boyardee beef ravioli. The baseball is really starting to affect me. Say it aint so, dem Sox better lose, I cant take another fucking drunk assholes parade.
i bid you all a good day. |
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| mama, ima coming home |
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| 06:31pm 05/10/2004 |
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mood: jubilant music: Allman Brothers stuck in my head
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You heard right ladies and gentlemen. i am coming home (to my new LI house) on thursday night. i will be in NY until monday night. Plan B(irthday) is probably going to be at Jenichka's house on Sunday night before the "Bump in the Night" rave. I can't wait to make up for the horrible circumstances under which my Boston party happened. No more overbooked hotels, suprise guests, acid-anxiety or running around in the middle of nowhere looking for somewhere to stay. Don't get me wrong, this past weekend has really re-newed my faith in humanity. To cancel out the unexpected hotel suprise, there was an unexpected baloon/cake suprise from the girls on my floor. People are awesome. Thank you everyone who called, sent their regrads and especially to those who actually trooped out to Boston, I love you all.
Ill be seeing your asses soon......
♥,
Julieee |
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| Cosmic Psychosis Symplex |
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| 03:09am 30/09/2004 |
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mood: bouncy music: mmm bass
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Today I saw Les Claypool with his band: Colonel Claypool's Bucket of Bernie Brains. SICK!!! it was his birthday and all these hippies were there and buckethead kept playing with a rubber chicken. no words, my fellow readers, could describe how fucking bizarre this act was. especially the keyboardist bernie, from p-funk, was by far the trippiest person i have ever seen besides the purple guy on acid at vida blue last winter.
i gotta say my first show in b-town was good, much like rice pudding.
my birthday is in 3 days motherfuckerrrrrrrs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
call, come to boston for my saturday night party, send me something. whatever you want.
129 Hemenway Street, BOX # 0154
Boston, MA 02115
(917)945-7733
this weekend is going to be good, dirty fun.
mad people coming up. to be squeezed in a cheap hotel room with booze etc....
love you all,
-joohlie |
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